Meeting with priests Alexey Yudin and Dmitry Dashevsky.
FR (A): Dear brothers and sisters! I present to you our guest!
Protopriest Dimitri, Dashevsky, rector of the Church at Lisy nos, Saint-Petersburg Diocese. This is my big brother, my former rector, the person to which I address for Council. Not going to lie, I have little to talk about parenting and decided to invite the person who can. In any case, maybe more than I tell, but we’ll see.
Yes (D): You make me almost canonized!
(A): So, the format of the conversation, as I have indicated, “Parenting answers”. The premise for this conversation is the same as the previous meeting. A lot of everything about parenting, I am interested in a person who is constantly trying to read, watch, listen to what anybody says. Again, very many monks, who speak on this topic. Abbess they are great experts in matters of education. Yes, it is possible, there are a couple of the abbess with psychological education. Orthodox psychologists often talk about parenting, but again this will phonelosers, and the head swells, because the result is empty in the head, as was the principle, I could offer you the exact unit that I was told at the arraignment before the baptism, if you remember about the presentation of the evil one, the demon of the midday, about the shape resistance, there are described some General pedagogical forms. But again, General pedagogical forms known to us. It turns out that in any case, we leave either a very narrow specificity for the upbringing of their children, or talking about some General things, clear as they are on a subconscious level.
I can 1.5 hours to tell you that the education of children depends, first of all, from what you are, because children copy you. I said something new? No. But there are nuances, and these nuances a huge amount, and indeed, we are raising a child, primarily by example, there are no other options.
Child in any case will repeat you. You can’t teach a child, telling Lie is bad. You can’t lie. And in this moment, speaking on the phone: Yes, Viktor Petrovich of Agay coming. Of course, it did. The child is a fool, or what? He does not understand? It’s your child. He is as smart as you. He might have more information and experience is not so much, as you have, but mind it as much, and since I was born. This is the same person as you. He understands everything better than you. Lie children feel very specifically, at the level of tone of voice, this is the best lie detector, which could come up. So if you want the child to be a good person, you must be a good person yourself.
If you want to raise a good girl, mommy’s example, and the Pope is an example of what should be your husband in the future. And mother, respectively, leads by example and boy what a wife should be. Everything is interconnected in a family upbringing. This is basis any education (see the first conversation About the family in which he said what male and the woman that means the connection in the marriage, why is it necessary and what is?). It all comes from the family and returned all in the family. And this point is the main pedagogical educational moment. Parenting and theological point of view is for us very an important point, because we realizuetsya as parents in the upbringing of children. The process of birth, many animals are similar but not none of the animals is a long-term process of education.
The cat gave birth to kittens, came, fed, and in two months she doesn’t remember. Bird is also the bird feeding nestlings, but uperevshis and learning to fly, they leave their nests. We have the same process of education takes years, we’re talking 18 years old, and am 18? Sometimes up to 30 years up to 50 years. And these are all different stages. Because raising a child up to 3 years is one thing, with 3 to 6 (7) is another matter, with 7-12 years this is the third, with 12-15 fourth, from 15 to 21 fifth and 21 another. And with each period is associated a certain perspective, we can distribute it on blocks and to paint for a year, and on every block to invite already experts. I decided that for the beginning we will try to form some idea of the most burning issues, try to know what we care about? If we didn’t care about anything in terms of raising children, we would never have come here, and if you come so there is something, is something we care about.
We with FR Demetrios try these questions are to answer, and then, if something can not, then we’ll see. Maybe we should ask more knowledgeable people, or we get ready for the next meeting so that these complex issues reply. The format of the interview answers to questions. You can raise your hand and ask your question or speak, but there are regulations not more than 2 minutes for your speech. I have the right to stop you, to thank and to ask to sit on the seat, if you not satisfied. Don’t be offended.
And while you are preparing your questions, Yes I will say your additions to the previous the conversation about the family.
(D): Why am I here? Briefly about yourself. Of course, have a family, experience the married life of 20 years, four children (18, 13, 8 and 6 years). At each of these stages, except for 25 and 30 years old, I have some experience. Marriage is a God established institution, originally, God created man and woman, and not just one the first man, Adam, but gave him a wife, and we have to understand that this model of relations, which exists now, she appeared after the fall, because, for example, attraction of the sexes appeared after the fall.
What was the first man to the fullest, we don’t know, but what is called the sexual instinct appeared much later. To the husband thou shalt have thy desire. And most importantly, when God created man and then woman, he created her for him, i.e., the notion of organic is inscribed in a man’s life half, exactly what was needed Adam. On this basis, that it is important to understand? The purpose of marriage? Is it possible to call marriage all cohabiting men and women? What do we do with marriage, if he is not married or not registered?
I’ve known people who have been married for 50 years, but were not registered, they loved each other in the war, were not recorded, were the site of the war, raised two children to sign them it was not leisure, but they lived with the feeling that it’s a marriage and they only have each other and their children proof. Although all the legal and ecclesiastical positions, we can’t say that it’s a marriage, but, nevertheless, we cannot say that this prodigal cohabitation. Of course not!
Dolcetto is the purpose of marriage? They say the purpose of marriage is children. And what to do in cases when there are no children? But I’m not talking about those instances of selfishness, when people live only for themselves and do not want children, everything is clear. Children is one of the purposes of marriage, but their absence does not make marriage meaningless (approx.editor). What can you say about parenting? The first child appears at the marriage completely expected and natural. The appearance of a second child it is very complex, and the reaction of the first child on the appearance of the second. What are the undercurrents? The appearance of the third child, well, I again say to myself, it was a milestone. Therefore that two children is very difficult to raise because parents are very sacrificial by nature, nature, well, normal parents. Can I mind if we talk about animals, it seems to me that highly organized animals, in some cases, again, at his level, I think educate their children, well, like wolves. After all, everyone knows that they take their cubs in some secluded place where they show them how to hunt, fend for themselves, i.e. learn to reproduce your behavior, to say nothing about the Man, as the crown of Creation? For me there was a certain turn of the third child, because, well, the first is clear, the second is a large milestone for the first child. Why?
Parents sacrifice, they give him all the love and how your child to grow up not selfish? Well, since I have pastoral experience, I’ll tell you what I came across. The only child of his mother, already overage for 25, absolutely a complete egoist. The extreme case where he beat his mother and taking her money, but mom says he’s a good kid, how is it? So, if it turns out that one child, then you need to invent some mechanisms and equipment that will cultivate in him this sacrifice, to cut off the selfishness. When my first child brought for the first time to show the second, he said, okay, take it please ago. But how to get it back? And we begin to teach, how? You want to hold, to talk about how to treat my sister. That is, if the second child, and when he is alone, he is here at all is very difficult. And when a third child is already a large family, i.e. a group with strong social ties, well, as I understand it. After the third, for me, no borders anymore. So, this is normal, this is expected and you want it, and you already know how things will be, you have a lot of time has passed. And the behavior of men, it is also very important. In relation for example to pregnancy, understanding that the woman is not always easy and it takes and accustom children to that relationship.
Absolutely correct Alex said that children do not look at what you declare them, and how you live. If the Pope allows roughly and incorrectly refers to the mother, the child is definitely going to absorb and what would the rules of etiquette, you didn’t tell him he clearly will absorb the bad things he sees around him. Education, as rightly said Alexei inherent in life itself. In other words, a Christian should constantly improve themselves, improve in marriage love, which arises and continues throughout life. It goes different stage romance of boys and girls they each other do not inhale. Then this feeling goes away and appears more Mature. Here, the child grows up with his parents whether he wants to or doesn’t want. I have friends where the relationship between the spouses is damaged, although they were not divorced. Their children, even under the best conditions, it is difficult to create a model of the good family relations, because he does not know how, he didn’t see it, and to teach human adult is a very big blow to his own ego, he is not ready.
Therefore, I believe that families should be large, well, two of the child is low risk, and, of course three. We can discuss some health indicators, and economic, they are also less wealthy, because, in fact, if you analyze them, not as they affect the number of children in the family, as the unwillingness of the parents. Russian families have always been many children and not always in the car. All lived in the same house, learned to share the most recent and internal communication between them was very close. And if to say about literature, I really met a few of the literature is well described, marriage and family relationship. Because if we say about psychologists, the psychologists ‘ own view and it can not be taken 100%, because they are maximalists, as many doctors and set such a high bar, and sometimes go to the area of such abstract concepts that have little to do life. When the psychologist starts to teach me how to raise children and he has one child, well, I say Ha! Ha! Ha!. If you see a good, genuine relationship between husband and wife and raised children, you want to imitate them. And here, no matter whether they act on the science of child psychology. Because right now, in psychology, in particular with the adoption of the Juvenile justice system, it is forbidden to punish the children, and the punishment is different, because they have hurt. And the injury requires in principle, and all injuries are different, the question what injury will?
If we don’t teach the child how to react in some critical situations a critical situation needs to be age appropriate. It is as if the child to be protected from all infections, then where is the immunity? He will not be able to resist anything, so I psychologists do not perceive, I have not seen good psychologists. There are good psychologists, but ask them some questions from the experience and realize that there is nothing to learn because they can’t even regulate the relations of the children in the class. For example my daughter, who is 13 years old, the conflict situation in the class, disgusting at all. The psychologist called them one by one, but anything could not do, even though he worked with children, but anything could not change. Right, because coming in for their families, these children learn differently, and there is another life. Well, for example, in my daughter’s class is studying the daughter of a famous actress. She also leads her criteria is Iphone, clothes, and you, my daughter says: dress up Sucks!. My daughter is well dressed, she dressed in a classic style, because it’s a school, not a disco to awaken, I believe in a child’s early sexuality is not worth it. Then it will appear later on its own, with the sexual instinct and the same maternity, if this hood do to make a child of top model, her psyche simply does not stand up at the age of 13, and of course her conscience. And a psychologist can’t do anything, because the families are taught entirely different.
And here you have a very difficult situation, because you are the people who are trying to live the gospel, and the gospel tells us, at least, of the principle of equal impact, in any case, at least, in the old Testament an eye for an eye and it is not necessary to pull out, but says that for an eye is not necessary to remove the head and not two eyes, but one, and that does not increase the evil, if it is easier to say. The Gospel and the law says that if you want to be perfect forgive your offenders your. And then you find yourself in a completely different situation when the parents are taught to give change. And as here to be? And here we must, as they say, each to go its own way, knowing all the same that at some specific point, you can lose in a specific situation, but basically, you lay that is a good deed to the Bank of the Holy spirit and it will grow in the child, and give myself for you, good seeds and not teaching it to respond to evil with evil. Of course, there are borderline cases, not that you can never fight the boys, it certainly has in our lives, but always have to tell how to do it, to look for examples of the stories of the saints who protected others. Here I came another child and said, I defended the girl! (he is 8 years). I answered him: Chariton, you certainly done to protect the girl, but please tell me, honestly, the girl was just an excuse to fight? And he says to me, Well frankly, Yes!. That is, the child it is necessary to say that an important motive in Christianity in the same action in explanation can be given sometimes completely different assessment. If you go out of the house and give give the man 100 rubles from the heart, it is one motive, and if there’s a gentleman from a good car and gives $ 100 in the presence of people, and does so from their own vanity, the situation appears quite different. And here it is important to the child to show motive, after all, what is it?
Then another point, recently heard on the radio Vesti FM discussion between psychologists, economists, leading, they discussed the question of whether to give children money? Should all the kids be pocket money? And people intuitively trying to find should give and for what? And here is one speaking, says he pays his son for what he removed, as it were, put him to work. And the other says he is his son does not pay, but he collects bottles, deliver them and so receives a fee, the third removed the father at work or something. But again, going back to the problem, I have two brothers. One older than me by 11, the other for 9.5 years, they are almost the same age, imagine, yeah, to the company, two boys parents? They are faced with the problem of how mom sat on the bed boys and out fell down on the floor a trifle, for 3 rubles. Children were asked, whose money is it and they admitted that they had quietly collected a trifle, which was found in the apartment, just them no one to punish, to grab the belt and decided to find out why they did that? The elder brother said that their mother would soon be his birthday, and they wanted to congratulate her and buy her a gift (2-3 grade) and decided to gather up the apartment a trifle, carefully folding the pile. Parents intuitively understand that are not able for it to punish, as for stealing? And they sat and talked, he decided that the boys want to do good, but chose evil ways, so it is necessary to make so that they had pocket money, if they want this thing to do.
And in my family my brothers and I bought flowers for birthday, March 8, always! And daddy began to give us a little for the holiday, and we folded. But the father said that if he knew that you do not spend on useful things, this phenomenon will end, i.e. the control was. I’m also trying, but a little in other ways, too, to have small children any money was because it is very important that the child wants to congratulate the parents, he wants to give a part of love. I had a recent case which touched me to tears. Came to grandma and grandpa took the kids to the zoo, and I gave them just in case 100 RUB to pastries, and they are coming back from the zoo nothing not bought, they hatched the idea ( have 6-year and 8-year-old child), they called Xenia (older sister) and said that he would like mom to buy three flower for no reason, and they have not spent myself the money, and has developed and bought flowers for mom.
Mom was in tears. I was also touched, this is a small victory. Of course, between my kids it’s not ideal, constantly there are some clashes that have to be overcome, i.e., the love needs to be spread, but how to do it? You know, I can tell you that the more I live, the more I don’t know how to do it? Because all human life I have always in such a manner, first, it is running on the escalator going down (this time, it is a General trend, and the second is walking through a minefield, because you don’t know in family relations what, where, when to explode? And this is also a surprise. Well, probably, if we make it, we’ll discuss what to do when children get older, here this with puberty, when they are actively growing up, puberty and how to behave here?
As my dad used to say, the child has three stages: the first when he loves his parents and says that his parents are the best, they know everything, and second when he believes that his parents know a lot, but something misunderstood, and the third stage (after 15 years) when mom and dad don’t understand or know anything in my life, and I know it. And this period is one of the most dangerous, it shows how well we have passed childhood, you how well they laid the vaccine from the period when the variation and vacillation. My eldest child is 19 years old, second year of University and it takes a long time to study, but, nevertheless, some there were, of course, periods of growing up, when he tried to Express his own opinion. What did I do? I’m somewhere in the 14-15 years, when children have among themselves discuss how they communicate with laces (parents), even if I raise a child in a Patriarchal style of the XVII century, according to the Domostroy, as according to the Bible, there is absolutely no guarantee that this will not be effective. Because he comes to school, where he spends a lot of time in there, and they share experiences that I have any control over what they say among themselves and what they have in mind?
Thank God that we have tried (especially the mother) to nurture a child’s frankness, trust between children and parents. All the problems we are trying quietly to solve. Because children are sharing and talking about the fact that if they parent at least say something, they will call social services. And to prevent for 15 years, I’m seeing these trends that are happening in school and society (after all, the juvenile justice system were not yesterday) and all those terrible social services that provide more harm, because kids of alcoholics they do not protect, and they hit normal families where there is wealth and love between the spouses. Trying to teach to come ask if the family of 15 m to a child, and it’s not 15 meters, and how to live on 15 meters even with 2 children, is there communication between them? And I, in anticipation, began to speak to his son in advance that at 18 he is an adult and can be legally free, but his freedom carries not only rights but also responsibilities. And that when he turns 18 years old, I did not have to give him food, and mom had to wash him and prepare, so if he wants to be in the family and still to remain a child, he needs the legislative framework of the family is not subject to discussion. Of course, all the laws and prohibitions must be justified, and I always try to explain everything, but nevertheless, these laws is our way of life, created by us with the mom and agreed upon in the Union. Is not discussed at all. If you don’t want to be a member of this state are welcome, but then with your refrigerator, and if I serve you like a baby until you get higher education and two months of you applying for a job, and then if you please to contribute to our family. Don’t know if I’m doing it, but say now that the child is deposited. And you know what I encountered? Two years ago, when the son was graduated from the last grade of school, I am for the parish bought the fridge and carried it in the car, calls me son and asks to catch him in town. I pick up, he sees the refrigerator and asks what it is? I answer that refrigerator. He said That, with the lock already. That is, he thought I was preparing for his adulthood.
So here, probably, we need to understand well or not in civilized countries. After all, they also have their biases, but at least there is some basis. But the outrage is? That there children grow up to 18 years old think that the fact that all that earned their parents belonged to them (children) and require an apartment, living with some girl. But sorry, if you’re so ripe, that is, things that can be discussed, and there are things to discuss at all. Therefore, the concept of civil marriage, which now have young people, I believe that it is impossible to discuss. Want to live live as you want, but take away, says the Lord, the iniquity from my eyes. There somewhere take what you want, you’re 18 years old, please, but in my house lewdness will not be tolerated and to say it in advance. Whatever it is. Because it should not be is a blow. You know the parable of the sower, we plant the good comes the Devil we do not sow, and he sows himself. We make mistakes sometimes and do not sow it, but even if we sow good, the Devil goes and sows his it is growing somewhere, and we watch as others grow up. Preservation of views in what?
They see the good side of evil, but I don’t see ill effects, can’t tell the difference. After all, the sexual instinct was given to man not to meet lust, and for procreation, and procreation assumes the responsibilities and hard work, which is man. But they only see one and not see the other this property of immature boys and girls. They say that we do not understand. And these grown-up things to say not early, I’ve got nephews older brothers who already live and are not recorded in my house is no place for them, and I with the children in this example with their children to discuss. Tell them that if it is, then forget that you are my son. I don’t know whether I have it? He will still be my sons, but it is very important that parents give some assessment in advance, something of warning. Well, the main points I have outlined. Now your questions?
Comment from the audience: The story of how his father forbade his daughter to live in a civil marriage with the young man and demanded that he either marry her or leave her alone. At this statement the young man responded with a formal proposal of marriage to his daughter. Since then, they have a legitimate happy marriage, a beautiful family and two children. Conclusion: parents should be a clear position on the decision of children to live in a civil or registered marriage.
(D): Absolutely true, but there is fear, it is usually at mom’s. Fear that the child will run away from home, and most likely, he will run away from home. But for me he runs away from home, because the prodigal son is also obianuju had to get to the bottom, to feel the soil and to understand how I will return to my father, what is this, his mercenaries live better, what did I do?. And here is probably need for several years to poskitatsya. In the end I its experience will tell, I certainly did not have such experience, but we do not agree with the parents. Parents and the young couple is the subject of a completely separate and comprehensive discussion. We did not agree and left, and I was sure that nothing could be better for a good relationship than a distance of 2000 km.
I am from Krasnodar edge, but was just not ready. Earlier in the Russian families lived and the relations were different. Of course, in old age we understand that we parents take for yourself. But parents are sometimes authoritarian, God forbid me, of course, to repeat the sad experience our parents here in this sense of communication with children, but we left a lot of shook, every year changed the flat, and then two times. You know the saying: twice to move it once to burn. But doing so has brought us closer, if we had sometimes a showdown that was batted parents, when we lived together in such close conjunction, as if on a mountain road there is an abyss, the abyss here, nothing to share with a child. We are so connected that the attempts of the parents to individually teach us the mind to reason at PTA meetings, separately, with one character of the family and then all others as it should be (my dad was so Patriarchal), then a single hole was not to pick open the way.
So if the daughter or son runs away, usually the daughter, then again, it could work for the benefit, because then they will be connected, and if not, it is better to let the split happen sooner here than in the past disagree fragile relationship, especially if they are illegal and perverse the better. Because the girl because the beauty is very fast, and a beauty it is like the starter in the car, but for what? To have a strong relationship if you the engine would not start, battery died, all Hello! On the battery for a long time does not pass. So beauty, if you blow it, then there is nothing left, well, who she’s ugly and shabby need? But she is 18 does not know and thinks the whole World at her feet and the sooner to create a critical situation here (except of course those occasions when children are prone to suicide, quite mentally unstable nature), but, nevertheless, it seems to me that there is nothing strange. Sometimes, I’m absolutely sure, a departure from the small trouble in the beginning threatens to big trouble at the end, so don’t be afraid if you need to find out from children immediately and thoroughly, even burst into what the time relationship, but you need to understand the boundaries of these gaps and what you require, not self-love, and the desire of good child.
By the way, if to speak about the book, the only book that I like, Alex, it probably knows, this book is less detailed, talking about the principles of marriage, sexual relations, this is the book Professor Sergey Troitsky, who taught at the theological University of Paris, i.e., that of immigration the first wave was a book in the 30-40-ies of XX century, called the Philosophy of marriage. This is a wonderful book where everyone understands, from the basis of marriage to a reasoned biblical interpretation of marriage, the question, about what its essence and purpose. We to FR was a teacher, absolutely wonderful, Archpriest Livery. He freepornsite film Pop, Pskov mission, here it is just in this mission was part of the young priest. My top ten by coming to the NKVD, he received, served, his wife waited, they did not have children for natural reasons, but they had a very touching marriage. Children is one aspect of marriage, it is very nice and it’s great, but if not detao our own, for example, the rulers of the absence of children was a signal that the marriage can be dissolved, for example, or if not appear boys, wife to a monastery, so it is possible the following. And this is not a marriage.
We have in the hall a bit monarchists? But you have to understand that the monarchy is better than democracy, but theocracy is worse. When there was a monarchy, and came to Samuel and said they wanted a King, God says: Why do you need a King? They are vicious, they will require your sons to the army, they will demand tribute. What is the argument of the people? We want to be no worse than all. And here it’s no worse than all working now locally always works. Moreover, they have, and we don’t we want to be worse. And so the poor parents, by definition, living in a budget option begin to buy your child an expensive phone at the expense of the necessary expenses of the family only because the daughter of an actress, there are iPhone. Well, if she has anything else in mind there? Well, let she enjoys living. And this child must be vaccinated. You see, well, if they don’t have a normal family relationship, you see dad behind her when something comes? I come to school, and she is not shy and hung around my neck. You’ve seen this girl, which I could do. So, why this phone?
(A): father Dmitry, we must move and comply with the regulations of the meeting, we collected issues of the first half. Answer. Thus, the number of questions on the same topic, the first place we took the issue: whether to punish children? How? Is it possible to scare the child with the words: God will punish?. Well, the punishment I must nanomagazine Yes, it should be. The only thing that you will tell God to scare it is impossible, under any circumstances. Neither adults nor children. It is not enough stupidity and bad taste is bad taste even in a secular society, not to mention theology.
(D): Yes, God is not frightened.
(A): God will punish you! Look, he looks at you. All this leads to very serious consequences associated with psychiatry and psychiatry need to check who gives these words. Grandmother
(D): But let’s consider the word punishment, what do you mean by punishment? Execution is one thing, but punishment? God is punishing how? Scripture says: Nakasujja punishment on me, Lord, death does not predate me. Son, do not despise the chastening of the Lord. It loves the Lord, punishing beats as any son, his own accept . This means whom loveth he chasteneth. Have a mandate, it’s not just execution, it’s the correction of the person and most importantly in this information,another thing is that punishment in this sense should not be from irritation just because you have a bad mood. The child feels justice, ngoboka there aren’t many understandings, but the concept of justice it is innate, and sothe if you consider that punishment inadequate or invented it, it weakens it, so I think that’s absolutely right Alex.
(A): There is a very good book of John. MacDonald gifts of the child Christ, if someone najdetailnejsie owner! There is little